At my age, gravity has taken more than a few liberties, so imagine my surprise when I slipped into a pair of Culprit Boxer Briefs and felt… uplifted. Not emotionally—though honestly, that too—but physically, structurally, architecturally. These things have more engineering than the Hoover Dam.

The fabric is so soft I had to check twice to make sure I was actually wearing something. In fact, I briefly worried I’d walked outside without pants again, but no—just Culprit doing its job a little too comfortably.

The waistband doesn’t roll, pinch, or try to escape like some of my previous undergarments. It stays put like a loyal dog who knows you’ve got treats in your pocket. And the legs don’t ride up, which is a blessing, because at my age I don’t bend down to fix things unless it’s a life-or-death situation.

The patterns are bold enough that compliments say I look “surprisingly lively,” which is the closest thing to a compliment I’ve gotten since 1998. I’ll take it. The White Hot Solid boxer briefs are perfect when the Stealth Black boxer briefs are too formal.

In short:

If you’re an older gentleman who appreciates comfort, support, and the illusion that you’re still somewhat cool, Culprit Boxer Briefs are the best thing to happen to your lower half since elastic was invented.